articles & publications — ramyagruneisen.com

National Adoption Month is always an interesting time for those who are adopted. It is a month full of opportunities to be intentional about elevating the voices and needs of adoptees who may often feel muted, silenced or unseen. While the aim should be to do this every month, I am grateful for the organizations and agencies that lean in, listen and stay curious, as some of the best learning comes from the lived experience of adopted individuals. So, while we continue to set aside November as a time to officially emphasize all things adoption, here is what adoption means to me as an international, transracial adoptee.

Dear birth mom,

Before you discredit this article, I will start by saying, I am adopted, I am a person of color in a Caucasian home. My hope is that sharing my story and what I have learned about adoption firsthand may provide insight and understanding. I ache for the parents who longed for this information but did not have the opportunity to receive it.

For many adoptees, answering questions about adoption can often be challenging and may elicit many uncomfortable feelings. For transracial adoptees, it can be even harder to avoid these conversations because of the distinct and noticeable differences between the adoptee and the adoptive family.

Education, resources and support are some of the best things that can be given to adoptive parents and families. When it comes to transracial adoptions, the need for these is even more crucial.

Adopting a child of another race adds many different components to adoption, some of which may be challenging for the adoptee and the adoptive family to navigate. Even the best-prepared parents will still have much to learn.

Understanding the role and the implications of race in transracial adoptions is essential for both the adoptive family and the adopted child. Here are a few things transracial adoptees want their adoptive parents to remember:

If you have an adopted child, you may have heard some of the following phrases from them:

“I wish you looked like me.”

“I hate being different.”

“I wish I knew my birth mom.”

“I wish I wasn’t adopted.”

As an adoptive parent, you may have initially felt confused — and even hurt — by these phrases.

As you may expect, transracial adoptions come with their own unique set of challenges. Growing up, one of the hardest realities of my adoption story that I had to grapple with was not looking like the rest of my family. I specifically remember being in elementary school and praying at night that I would wake up with white skin so I could look like my family. As a child, all I wanted was to physically look like I belonged, I wanted to blend in the way my biological siblings did.

As you may expect, parenting adopted children comes with its own unique set of challenges. Parenting transracially adopted children can add additional layers of challenges for parents to navigate and overcome. Based on my lived experience, I believe there are some best practices in transracial adoption parenting:

For adopted individuals to be empowered to advocate for their healthcare needs, medical providers must know how to interact in an adoption identity affirming manner and create an environment where patients feel safe discussing their biological history. To accomplish this, adoption professionals and parents should partner with both adopted individuals and medical providers to find ways to thoughtfully navigate adopted patients’ healthcare needs. This issue of the Adoption Advocate explains how to begin that process.

For parents of transracial adoptees, it can be a challenge learning how to navigate acknowledging or integrating your child’s birth culture in daily life. While some adoptees will want or even need this cultural connection, others may resist it.

As a transracial adoptee myself, here are some recommendations I have for parents in addressing this topic:

Adoption can have a huge impact on not just the adopted individual, but the adoptive family as well. Many people think that counseling is very important for adopted individuals, but counseling can also be incredibly beneficial for adoptive parents and families. One of the greatest benefits of counseling is that it provides a safe space for navigating the challenges and nuances of adoption, which adoptive families will need as well.

Choosing to adopt a baby is a huge decision and one that should not be taken lightly. Adoption professionals may prepare you with resources and training before and during the adoption process, but you may never feel fully ready. Every adoption story is different, and no matter how prepared you feel, you will always have much to learn and should approach your adoption journey with that mindset.

Adoption is and always will be a calling that is not for everyone. Here are five questions hopeful parents should consider before deciding to pursue adoption:

I n a field saturated with research and best practices on adoption competency and adoption-informed care, there is much value in creating intentional spaces where we can learn directly from adoptees.

Normalizing adoption within adoptive families is incredibly important as adopted children need to feel affirmed, connected and secure in their families. Some adoptees, especially those adopted transracially, may struggle navigating family dynamics as differences in race can often feel like an isolating factor. What does it look like to normalize adoption within the family itself? Here are some recommendations for adoptive parents and families:

Explore the complexities of transracial adoption in today’s blog post, “Navigating Transracial Adoption,” authored by Ramya Gruneisen. Drawing from her personal experience as a transracial adoptee, Ramya delves into the vital aspects of this journey, offering guidance to adoptive parents and families. With a background in Public Health and a commitment to educating adoption agencies, Ramya provides unique insights on creating a supportive environment and initiating crucial conversations. Join her as she shares valuable practices, emphasizing the significance of representation, community, and empathy in this sensitive process.

Regardless of where you are in the adoption process, one of the greatest resources available to current and prospective adoptive parents is a connection with other adoptive parents. Other adoptive parents can be an incredible source of wisdom and knowledge and having experienced adoptive families to walk alongside you and do life with you can be a gift.

There is no one-size-fits-all approach to talking to your child about their adoption. While some children may be curious and open to talking about it, others may not be. Tailoring your approach to your adopted child’s needs is going to be necessary, as well as preparing yourself to answer questions and navigate these conversations.

How you approach and handle curiosity as well as how you meaningfully engage in these conversations with your child is incredibly important, as it will greatly impact your child and your relationship with them.

Navigating intrusive questions and curiosities surrounding adoption may be challenging for the entire family, but it’s especially challenging for the adoptee. Adoptees need parents and siblings that are willing to partner with and support them in learning how to address and tactfully engage these oftentimes intrusive questions and interests. One of the best ways this can be done is having siblings as allies.

As an adoptive parent, one of the best things you can do for your adoptee is invest in and encourage counseling. Choosing to go to counseling can feel like a big decision for adoptees, but it is an important one. Almost all adoption stories will be laced with layers and variations of trauma and attachment struggles that adoptees will be forced to navigate and hopefully overcome at some point in their life. For transracial adoptees, the added component of racial differences with their families can reinforce some of these trauma and attachment struggles, which is why counseling is so valuable.

When you choose to adopt, you undertake the responsibility of educating friends and family about adoption. This is a big responsibility, and one you should not take lightly. There are often misconceptions and assumptions that are made when people talk about adoption, and as adoptive parents, you have an obligation to clear up those misconceptions and assumptions.

Choosing to grow your family through adoption is a big decision that requires thoughtful self-reflection and introspection. All adoptions will come with their own unique joys and challenges, but transracial adoption can often have additional layers of challenges.

What is transracial adoption?

Transracial adoption simply means adopting a child of another race or ethnic background different than your own. Transracial adoptees can be adopted internationally or domestically. If you decide to adopt transracially, here are some things to consider and prepare for ahead of time.

For adoptees, the holidays can sometimes be a hard time as they can stir up a wide range of feelings. As a parent, it is essential to think ahead and be prepared around the holiday season to care for your adoptee well. Here are some ways you can hold space for your adoptee during the holidays.

When thinking about adopting, it is important to be able to distinguish between the three different types of adoption that exist. When people think about adoption, they typically think of closed adoption when in reality, today most adoptions have some level of openness. In fact, it is estimated that only 5% of adoptions today are closed. When thinking about the different types of adoption, the focus should always be about what is in the best interest of the adoptee.

When your adoptee expresses an interest in searching for and/or connecting with their birth parent or family, this can feel uncomfortable and challenging to navigate and maybe even fully support. For adoptees, connection to biological ties can be incredibly life giving, identify affirming and healthy. One of the best things adoptive parents can do is take an active and supportive role in this, no matter how difficult it can feel.

If you are considering adoption, you may wonder what it would be like to adopt while already having biological children or adopting first and then having biological children after. You may wonder how blending your family with biological and adopted children would affect your children, their relationships with each other and even how they feel in your family. These are all valid and normal thoughts and questions to reckon with.

For parents of adoptees in elementary school, it is important to understand that your child will most likely have to engage and interact with their adoption in some capacity at school. School can be a challenging place for young adoptees as they may be eager to fit in and be accepted. Owning and walking in their unique story at this age can be really hard. Thankfully, there are ways you can support them during these transformative years.

As an adoptive parent, understanding your adoptee’s attachment style is incredibly important in providing parenting that meets their unique needs. For all types of adoptions, domestic and international, infant and non-infant, attachment plays a direct role in how adoptees develop relationships with others, see themselves in context of the world around them, and operate within relationships.

Trauma-informed parenting is an approach to raising children that recognizes and responds to the impact of traumatic experiences on a child's development, behavior, and overall well-being. For parenting adoptees, this approach is rooted in an understanding of how the adoption process and experience may impact adoptees, and the trauma often rooted in adoption.

As an adoptive parent, it will be important to prioritize the medical history needs of your adoptee. Unlike biological children, many adoptees may have unknown family medical histories. For international adoptees, there may be incredibly limited information available regarding biological parents and limited options in attaining medical data from them. Regardless of the type of adoption, open, close or semi open, prioritizing knowing and attaining information about your adoptee’s medical history when possible is very important.

If you are an adoptive parent, at some point you have probably experienced awkward conversations and had to field intrusive questions whether from strangers or even friends and family about adoption. If you are a prospective parent, this is something you will most likely encounter on your journey of adoption parenting. These comments and questions are usually unwelcome and can sometimes be hurtful, which is why it is important as a parent to teach your adoptee how to navigate these situations with ease and not obligation.

If you are a prospective parent, you may be experiencing a wide range of emotions during the adoption wait. Seasons and periods of waiting can be hard, but they can also be breeding grounds for growth and opportunity. Regardless of where you are in the adoption process there are some things you can do to really take advantage and lean into the waiting process.

Here are a few things you can do while you navigate the adoption wait:

Chances are good you have heard the phrase, “It takes a village” when talking about raising children. When it comes to parenting adopted children, utilizing your “village” is incredibly important in raising self-affirmed, resilient adoptees. A positive practice for adoptive and even prospective parents is establishing who is in your “village.” Your village should make up a diverse community of people within and outside of the adoption triad that are there to walk with you as you parent your adoptee.

Here are some key communities that can and should partner with and support you in your journey of adoption parenting:

Post-adoption support is crucial for adoptive families, even if you feel confident and prepared the learning and support process should not end after adoption placement. Many adoptive families do not actively participate in or reach out for support for a wide variety of reasons and miss out on many opportunities that could be of great benefit. Regardless of how well your adoption is going, on-going support is necessary and vital to equip and sustain you on the journey of adoption parenting.

Here are several reasons why this support is necessary:

If you are starting the adoption process, chances are good you have learned or heard about the different types of adoption: open, semi-open and closed. Today, almost all types of adoption have some level of openness. Openness can be incredibly beneficial for adoptees and is something worth exploring and leaning into as an adoptive or prospective parent. If you are asking yourself the question, “Is open adoption confusing for kids?” rest assured that this is a commonly asked question, and the answer is no. Open adoption does not have to be confusing for kids but adoptive parents have to play an active role in this process. The truth is, levels of openness in adoption are more beneficial than harmful in most cases.

Here are some tips to eliminating confusion and establishing a healthy understanding of adoption for kids:

The choice to adopt transracially requires parents to be willing to engage, understand and hold space for how racial differences affect adoptees. Take time to reflect on and consider your own personal biases and beliefs before adopting transracially. Identify areas where maybe you need to learn and grow or where you hold unconscious bias. While all adoptions will come with challenges, transracial adoptions are nuanced and multifaceted in their own way. Transracial adoptees need parents and families that are willing to navigate the challenges of racial differences with grace and care.

If you chose to adopt transracially, you need to be willing to prioritize the following:

If you are a single parent wanting to adopt, you may not know where to start. For many prospective parents, the adoption journey can be intimidating and even overwhelming. Thankfully, there are an abundance of resources to equip you for the journey of single parent adoption. It would be in your best interest to take the time to be self-reflective and introspective about adoption before pursuing this journey and making the decision after much thoughtful consideration.

Here are some recommendations to guide you through the process:

Regardless of where you are in the adoption process, telling your friends and family that you are adopting is a significant and emotional moment.

Here are some key things to keep in mind and reflect on as you prepare for that conversation:

As summer is steadily winding down and your child is heading back to school and into the classroom with a brand new teacher, it would be mindful of you, as an adoptive parent, to think about what your adoptee may need in the classroom.

Preparing teachers to support adoptees in the classroom involves fostering awareness, sensitivity, and inclusivity. Here are some key ways to help your child’s teachers be better prepared:

articles & publications:

To My Birth Mom On My Wedding Day

contributions:

articles & publications:

What Adoption Means to Me

A Personal Letter for National Adoption Month

Why Adoption May Not Be for You: An Adoptee’s Words

5 Things Transracial Adoptees Are Tired of Hearing.

3 Important Concepts Transracial Adoptees Want Parents To Know.

Empathy & Its Role In Parenting An Adopted Child.

Why Belonging Plays a Crucial Role in Transracial Adoption

Positive Practices in Transracial Adoption Parenting

Family History “Unknown”: Understanding Adopted Individuals’ Needs in the Healthcare Environment

Acknowledging Birth Culture

Adoption and Counseling: For Parents and Families

Things to Wrestle with Before Considering Adoption

The Value of Adoptee Voices

Normalizing Adoption Within the Family Itself

Navigating Transracial Adoption

The Importance of Connecting with Other Adoptive Parents

Talking to Your Child About Their Adoption

Parents and Siblings As Allies

Talking With Your Adoptee About Counseling

Educating Family & Friends about Adoption

Understanding & Preparing for Transracial Adoption

Holding Space for Adoptees During the Holidays

Exploring Different Types of Domestic Infant Adoption

Navigating Birth Family Search and Reunion

Adoption and Sibling Relationships: Blending Biological and Adopted Children

Navigating Adoption at School

Understanding Attachment Styles in Adoption Parenting

Trauma-Informed Parenting for Adoptees

Adoption and Genetics: Understanding the Importance of Health Histories

Teaching Your Adoptee How to Navigate Questions and Comments About Adoption

What To Do During The Adoption Wait

It Takes a Village: Support Systems for Adoptive Parents

The Importance of Post-Adoption Support

Exploring Open Adoptions

Putting the Needs of Adoptees First

Tips For Adopting as a Single Parent

We’re Adopting: How To Share Friends and Family

Back to School: Supporting Adoptees in The Classroom

To My Birth Mom On My Wedding Day

contributions:

The Adoptive Parent’s Responsibility when Parenting a Child of a Different Race

Filling in the blanks on adoptees' medical history